CW: This piece engages with negative self-talk, depression, panic attacks and imposter syndrome which some might find intense. Please be kind to yourself. The inspiration for this piece comes from my struggles with mental health. I have often struggled with feelings of inadequacy and sometimes engage in negative self-talk. I wanted to show how that process spirals in my brain. I also wanted to show how support from myself and my community brings light into the darkness. It is hard to keep all the negative thoughts at bay but with love, kindness and compassion we can move forward and create something beautiful together. The first section reflects a failed attempt to fit in and be perfect. The perfect 5th in this section reflects the impossible standards we put on ourselves. The gestures in blue are players straying from that line. These ‘mistakes’ send the players inside themselves, they stop listening and dim their sound. In the second section, the performers are in a negative thought spiral. They are physically separate and isolated. This comes to a head in the meltdown. The feelings have become too much and we are now having a panic attack. After the panic attack subsides, the players breathe. They find stillness in their own breath. The harp then starts the music again. The players come together to make music once again. This time they are supporting themselves and each other with positive affirmations. Although some negative thoughts creep back, the act of making music together drowns out the darkness. The final section is a hopeful ode to support and community. I want to thank Janna Sailor and The Allegra Chamber Orchestra for this amazing program and for continuing to support new voices. I also want to thank my mentor Jennifer Butler for all her support and guidance.
