Before I Sleep is the musical representation of several emotions that are common when one faces difficulties in life; these include grief, fear, anger, hope, and acceptance. Each of the three main sections contains distinct thematic material that was influenced by these emotions. The title is taken from the last line of Robert Frost’s “Stopping by Woods on a Snowy Evening.” While there are several interpretations of this poem, I intend the title to refer to the goals, ambitions, and life events that we hope to accomplish and experience before we die, while acknowledging the uncertainty of what awaits us each new day.
Twelve years after the premiere, I can now be more open about my personal journey with this work. I composed it during the year that my mother was fighting cancer, which had reappeared eight years after her first diagnosis. I had moved back home following the completion of my master’s degree, and was therefore faced every day with the reality of our situation. My mother underwent several rounds of chemotherapy, and needed oxygen off and on due to a tumor pressing on her lung. Even through all this, she never lost her sense of humour, compassion, kindness, and faith. I took my cue from her, yet was understandably filled with worry, fear, anger, and grief. Composing this piece helped me to acknowledge these emotions, even if dealing with them took more time. My parents were always supportive of my music, and although the immediate future was filled with uncertainty, my mother encouraged me to pursue my goal of attaining a doctoral degree. She passed within the first month of my studies, but I am grateful that she saw me begin that journey. In a way, this composition marks a transition period in my life, in my career, and in my music. And it is a reminder for me to be brave, to be honest, to be compassionate, and to have hope for the future. (Program note revised by composer in December 2023.)
Before I Sleep was commissioned by Simon Tillier (conductor) and the Cincinnati Youth Wind Ensemble. It was premiered by them on June 6, 2011 at Corbett Auditorium in Cincinnati, Ohio, U.S.A. This revised version was completed in 2019-20 at the request of the UMN Morris Symphonic Winds, conducted by Simon Tillier, with a performance intended for April 23, 2020. Unfortunately, due to the COVID pandemic, this performance was cancelled. The revised composition was then premiered by Simon Tillier and the UMN Morris Symphonic Winds on October 29, 2023 at the University of Minnesota Morris Humanities Fine Arts (HFA) Recital Hall in Morris, Minnesota, U.S.A.
